3/30/2008

But Happened Difficulties*

Spoilt by my friends' visits and phone calls and messages for the second day in a row! I replied to all my blog messages today and took it easy.
I pour two cups of tea, and bring out the cookies my sister brought me from Iran. My friend says, "You know, everything in this world is upside down and out of order! I love someone and she doesn't care for me. Why can't it be that I love someone who loves me, too? I'm so sick of feeling rejected all the time. I know she doesn't want to be with me, that she doesn't care for me, but I keep pushing forward, trying harder and harder, and feeling more and more unwanted every time. I know I need to stop, because I'm falling only nominally short of stalking her, waiting for her to tell me off at every new attempt, which of course she hasn't yet, but I just can't stop myself! I feel so disgusted. I don't want to be like this. I want her to love me and let me show her how much I love her and how good things could be when two people love each other. To make things worse, this other person in my life does exactly the same things for me as I am doing for the woman I love. She calls and writes and comes and stays and lingers and follows me with her eyes, but I'm not stirred, I'm not moved, and so I push her away, all the time knowing exactly how she must be feeling. I am disgusted, desperate, and really lonely. Can you tell me what to do?" I say to him: "No." He says: "That's it?!! 'No?' You need to help me. You need to tell me what women think! You need to show me how to win her heart! You have to tell me what to do to make her love me!" I say: "I can help you love a woman who loves you. But I can't help you win the love of someone who doesn't want you. I don't know how to play games, so I can't teach you any. Sorry, I wished I did, but I don't. I can teach you how to see and hang on to what you have. I don't know how to go looking for what you don't and can’t have."
My friend picks up his car keys and his cell phone and starts for the door. His shoulders are tense and his eyebrows are knotted into a frown and his lips are pushed together into a thin line. As he heads for the door, he turns toward me and says: "I love her and want her to love me, did you get that?" And as I start to tell him: "Yes, Einstein! I did and I already told you that I can't help you," I see the flash of tears in his pained eyes. I say: "Come sit down, you! Tell me again why you love someone who doesn't love you?" He comes back reluctantly, pulls out a chair and sits down to first cry the tears of hurt and pain that have been building up inside him for months. We cry together.
*From Hafez's first ghazal...That love seemed easy at first, but happened difficulties

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

هنوز نخوندم نوشته های قشنگت رو نازنینم ولی از صمیم قلب خوشحالم که می نویسی و سر حالی...
نازی به یاد ماندنی!


مرضیه

Anonymous said...

Having the same experience I recommend your friend to read the Marcel Proust Novel " A la recherch de les temps perdue" (در جستجوی زمان از دست رفته) This will help him firstly by giving him enough time to think and also accept many things!
In my opinion most of the time we aren't really in love, I don't know what we are but we aren't in love!
عشق از اول سرکش و خونی بود
تا گریزد هر که بیرونی بود
Shaad ziiid
Shobeir

ghalbe khoshbakht said...

azize delam salam,
ba didane in aks ha be yadat oftadam, http://www.kosoof.com/archive/kurdistan.php
shad bemani, mehraban.

Anonymous said...

so beautiful and full of memories
fari

Anonymous said...

Nazy, you are so great. I haven't been here in a couple weeks, since I sent you a Norooz card (did you get it?) but here I am again, spellbound by your daily stories, girl. Thanks for your posts. ZanAmrikai

Ahmad said...

Having had a similar experience, I have convinced myself that this is a fair game of life. I abandoned a dear lover based on some logical reasoning. (I know the irony; love and logic, "but happened difficulties".) Less than a year after that, the role reversed between me and some other one. True I was hurt awhile, but took less time to realize that perhaps difficulties have happened again, with her this time.

It's true that love is sweet, among the sweetest sweet in the world. But I wonder if I can trust love again. Isn't it just some chemical reactions in one's brain that makes one "blind" for a while, and when one gains the sight things usually change?

I also wonder if I can resist it ...

آدم گلابی said...

Dearest Nazi
I dont think I am the right person to comment on this post as I am a psychoanalyst and my type try to dig everything from one's early years and ... kholase take the beauty out of love by too much analysis! but just wanted to say hi, wish you love and joy and send you a warm big hug

Esfand` said...

Dear Nazi,

seems like this happens a lot!
I dont know what to say, as I am as confused as any one else around, and I am not afraid to say that I am confused about this thing called "love"

Nazy said...

Sweet Marzieh:

Thanks for coming again! Yes, I'm good! I have now rested for several days and will go back to work tomorrow.

In the unforgettable department, you're number one!

Nazy said...

Salam Shobeir Jan:

I am really touched to read your comment. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me. I'll be sure to pass along the book recommendation. I might read it, too, so next time I'm a better friend with better advice! Sometimes I don't know why my friends hang on to me, because I could be so useless sometimes!

Thank you for being you, Shobeir Jan!

Nazy said...

Salam Khanoomi!

Eidet Mobarak aizam! Thank you very much for leaving me that link. I love Arash Ashoornia's pictures and I will be sure to use them.

Have a beautiful spring in the UK my friend.

Nazy said...

Salam Fari Jan:

Thanks so much for coming back! I hope you have had an enjoyable and relaxing holiday with your family. Thank you for your kind comment. Be good azizam.

Nazy said...

Zan-e-Amrikai Jan:

You aren't so bad yourself my dear! I'm so glad you came back. Yes, I did get your kind card and emails and photographs, too. I will respond separately.

It's always a good day when you come doost-e-man.

مسعود said...

سلام نازی خانم

چه خوش بی مهربونی هر دوسر بی
که یک سر مهربونی دردسر بی

برای این دوستت عشق از اول مشکل افتاد!.آسونی نداشته که؟
یه روز پیش یه دوست بزرگوار درد دل میکردم که گفت:دوست اونه که پیشش بتونی گریه کنی
و انت نعم الصدیقه

Nazy said...

Salam Ahmad Jan:

Hah, what an interesting take on the issue! Two unfair things cancel each other and render a fair outcome?! Ha ha, next time I cry over a man I will be sure to remember that he will soon be crying over another woman! Somehow, though, that doesn't help much, does it?

My point to my friend is how about if he gives the here and now and the "bird in hand" a try? He doesn't want to hear it! So, he will be suffering some more and I will have to watch him and be sad for him.

I loved the way you used that verse in your comment! So, O.K. you think love is "temporary insanity?" You know, I haven't been very lucky or successful in the "hanging on to love" department myself! I had two long-standing relationships, both of which ended with a lot of sadness and unfortunate entnaglement. But I can't give up on love and a lasting one at that, so long as I witness couples who have been together for 20, 30, 40, and 50 years, and still love each other. If there ever is an inspiration for me to try this again, it would be seeing those couples and their peace and comfort in the arms of a person who has loved them that long. I think there would come a time when minds and bodies can no longer withstand the "musical chairs" business of dating and trying and trying again. It would be good to settle down and build something that lasts and which can be relied upon for the remainder of our lives. I don't know, like I said, I don't consider myself an expert on the subject anymore, as I am so confused about the rules and responsibilities, so I conveniently (and cowardly) sit them out as much as I can! I know it's ridiculous, but I keep thinking that the only way for this to work is to be suddenly struck with the thunder of love! Looking for it and actively pursuing it appears futile to me at this juncture.

Thanks for provoking thought and sharing your experiences with "happened difficulties!"

Nazy said...

Golabi Jan:

You are a psychoanalyst?!! Oh my god! I had no idea I was under observation by a professional all this time! Just kidding! I think it's absolutely fabulous that you are a psychotherapist and that you help people. Everybody needs help as far as I'm concerned.

Heeh! When I hear about problems rooted in pople's childhoods, I can't worry much about my own, but I do worry about my children's. What if I've messed them up for good?! If ever you have any advice that can help me or your fellow-readers, please share, share, share!

Thanks so much for coming my sweet friend. Many kisses to beautiful baby Bardia!

Nazy said...

Salam Esfand Jan:

I used to dispense advise about love all the time! Then I learned to keep my mouth shut, because I don't know anything about it! I am just as confused as the next guy and I have been around long enough to know better! It is something everybody has to sort out for him/herself, I believe, taking the responsibility by him/herself.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Be good and happy my friend. Don't give up on love, that's all I can say!

Nazy said...

Salam Masoud Jan:

You are absolutely right! And thank you for that Babataher poem! It is very valid. Well, I suppose while my friend was falling in love it was fun and beautiful for him, and once he realized he wasn't going anywhere with that love, "happened difficulties!"

I know men cry. I think they should. Everybody should cry sometimes. It doesn't surprise me anymore like it used to when I was younger, to see a man cry. I am honored, just the same, whenever it happens, for the trust and confidence my friends and family take in me. It is an honor to receive, that trust.

You must be going back to work soon, right? It was 13 be dar in Iran yesterday. We won't have ours until next Saturday when people can get out and have a picnic. Such is life in a country that goes with a different calendar! Have a brilliant day in Ahvaz.

Esfand` said...

Salam azizam!

Thanks for your comforting words, I wont give up! I did give up some time back, but as you said, we say "Not Again" and then we fall all over again .... so this time I will hold on to it ....dont want to loose my love! n yes I too take all responsibilty for what I do :D

Nazy said...

That's right Esfand Jan...don't ever give up, because when it's good, love is the best gift God ever gave us. Pursue that gift.

Esfand` said...

:)
merci~

I agree, it is a gift indeed!
and azizam some where you welcomed me, kheili mamnoonam, though I am not Irani and neither am I intelligent, but I hope I am still welcomed :) man paskistani hastam! o man faqd farsi yad migiram :) thats why at times I like writing in it... but I am not good at farsi, as I am still in the earlier stages of learning! :)

Nazy said...

No problem at all, Esfand Jan! I am honored you would still find hanging out with Iranians worth your time! It is my pleasure to have you in these parts and yes, you are very intelligent, I have been to your blogs, remember?!

All the power to you in learning Farsi. It is a tricky language to learn, so I wish you success, but if you enjoy Iranian poetry, that one alone will be worth the effort, I believe.

It was fun chatting with you a little bit more "online" tonight! Now I go to bed for it will be a long day for me tomorrow. Have a good evening.

Esfand` said...

:) It was fun indeed, I found a new friend! Thanks for your kind words! n its more honor for me! I like the persian culture and the values, and to be honest the modern Irani people whom I personally find to be more open despite the general misconceptions.

I have to get started with the poetry, but time demands me to learn some slang too :P which I am certainly sure I wont find in Sa'di, Hafiz, Rumi or Omar Khayyam. I have read them in english and adore them! :)
n sure I will read them and decipher their mysteries in farsi it self! After all I have to read Ibn-sina too.

Have a good day ahead!!

Ahmad said...

"Two unfair things cancel each other and render a fair outcome?! ... Somehow, though, that doesn't help "
Well, you got me there :) My comment was mostly about one's expectation of life and love and if does not let it be flexible. For your friend that has both of the cases ongoing there could be solutions, as you've pointed him so.

Nazy said...

Dear Esfand:

It seems like you've got your work cut out for you! Have you read anything by Forough Farrokhzad, the contemporary female poet of Iran? There is a new English translation of her poems called Sin by Sholeh Wolpe, which is very good.

I am so happy you are interested in things Iranian and Persian. Please come back and share your progress with us.

Nazy said...

Ahmad Jan:

Here's something else for your wise and sensitive consideration. There is another problem about "happened difficulties," which though infrequent in relationships, it does happen sometimes only to make more "difficulties" to "happen!" and that is when a relationship is, for whatever reasons, over and one of the two people thinks it's a good idea to go back to it. That is what I call a "dead monkey" syndrome. I wrote about it a while back. When faced with that prospect, some people foolishly go through the process of reuniting with a partner they left a while back, only to find out that nothing has really changed, breaking up again and regenerating so much of that pain all over again. I have resisted such prospects in both my break-ups though, I suppose, it may have felt flattering and "right" to another person to go through with it. I don't know. Like I said, I'm not a source of wisdom on the subject! Here's that article I wrote last May:

http://www.iranian.com/Kaviani/2007/May/Divorce/index.html

Have a good weekend my friend.