6/12/2008

Lessons Inside My Head

Ghaleh Roodkhan, Gilan, Iran. Photo by my very good friend, Alef Shin, June 2008. Thanks so much for this gift.
I know I have been irratic in my appearances. The funny thing is that I really miss my nightly routine of thinking and writing a post, and then reading what my friends have to say. As I mentioned, I am getting my life in order and this means that I have to work hard to deliver some outstanding commitments and doing projects which I cannot put off any longer. I am well and kicking ( bademjoon-e bam afat nadareh!). I really miss replying to your kind comments which I will catch up with soon.
I want to share with you something I have been thinking about for a few weeks. About three weeks ago, something happened which made me very angry. I was livid with some things someone was doing. As I was getting angry, I found my mouth was dry, my hands were shaking, and my heart was beating very fast. My left hand's first two fingers were tingling. Those sensations felt vaguely familiar. All of a sudden I stopped in my tracks! I was thinking how it had been a very long time since I got so angry and this feeling was so strange all of a sudden! A few years ago, I lived a very stressful life, where I would get angry and have the same physical symptoms on a daily basis, sometimes going to bed feeling that way. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. All of a sudden, I calmed down and started smiling. I told myself "Marg-e man, are you crazy??!! Isn't it a shame to go back to where you have been before and which you deliberately left behind because it felt awful?" Feeling angry and desperate is something that feels really strange to me these days, because I live such a peaceful life, where I'm in control of my surroundings and my directions. I just love this feeling, where I seldom lose my cool or get upset like that. I promised myself to never let anger back into my mind and my body again, because now I know better. Then I went around laughing thinking how strange I must have looked to someone looking in--angry one moment and smiling the next! You know, I love the conversations I'm having with myself inside my head these days. I might be growing up afterall!

8 comments:

Parinaz said...

It is so good that you are having a peaceful life right now! and I believe that it is the most rewarding feeling you can have in your life. Sometimes we run and run and run; but after all we see that nothing is waiting for us in the end.
I myself get angry easily. Each time, I promise myself not to do it again. But there are some small cells underneath my skin which get the signs pretty soon and I cant help listening to them!
Maybe it is a matter of age too!
I dont know, but hope it gets right.

Have a nice weekend Nazy jan; A nice peacful one!

Daisy said...

Salam Nazy jon, Whatever goes around comes around. I believe in Karma. Because you're spreading the peace everywhere, it comes to you and your heart too:)

What I'm working on this past year was trying to not get worried easily and over uncomplicated things. I still don't have the whole control over it but I'm getting there.
Have a good week and I hope you finish all your outstanding commitments as soon as possible to ease your mind.

سوسن said...

خانم عزيز سلام..من دو تا چيز بگم؟اول اينكه اصلا باورم نمي شه شما كه صاحب يك قلب پاك و شخصيت دوست داشتني هستي شما كه همين طور داري راه ميري و دور و اطراف خودت عشق و اميد و شادي حقيقي و از ته قلب پخش مي كني..باورم نمي شه كه بتوني عصباني بشي..يا روزي اون طور عصباني شده باشي.دومي يه سواله:منم زياد با خودم حرف ميزنم اما گاهي پيش اومده كه اون قدر قضيه رو جدي گرفتمو بلند بلند با خودم حرف زدم كه اطرافيانم به خصوص تو دانشگاه سعي كردن با بيشترين سرعت ازم دور بشن!!!شما اين جور مواقع چي كار مي كني؟؟؟

سوسن said...

خانم عزيز سلام..من دو تا چيز بگم؟اول اينكه اصلا باورم نمي شه شما كه صاحب يك قلب پاك و شخصيت دوست داشتني هستي شما كه همين طور داري راه ميري و دور و اطراف خودت عشق و اميد و شادي حقيقي و از ته قلب پخش مي كني..باورم نمي شه كه بتوني عصباني بشي..يا روزي اون طور عصباني شده باشي.دومي يه سواله:منم زياد با خودم حرف ميزنم اما گاهي پيش اومده كه اون قدر قضيه رو جدي گرفتمو بلند بلند با خودم حرف زدم كه اطرافيانم به خصوص تو دانشگاه سعي كردن با بيشترين سرعت ازم دور بشن!!!شما اين جور مواقع چي كار مي كني؟؟؟

سوسن said...

خانم عزيز سلام..من دو تا چيز بگم؟اول اينكه اصلا باورم نمي شه شما كه صاحب يك قلب پاك و شخصيت دوست داشتني هستي شما كه همين طور داري راه ميري و دور و اطراف خودت عشق و اميد و شادي حقيقي و از ته قلب پخش مي كني..باورم نمي شه كه بتوني عصباني بشي..يا روزي اون طور عصباني شده باشي.دومي يه سواله:منم زياد با خودم حرف ميزنم اما گاهي پيش اومده كه اون قدر قضيه رو جدي گرفتمو بلند بلند با خودم حرف زدم كه اطرافيانم به خصوص تو دانشگاه سعي كردن با بيشترين سرعت ازم دور بشن!!!شما اين جور مواقع چي كار مي كني؟؟؟

سوسن said...

شرمنده!!نمي دونم چرا سه تا شد؟؟!!

آدم گلابی said...

it's a great feeling to be in control of your life, you are right it gives you power and knowing that you have the power to be in control brings security and peace, but can i make a confession? i miss getting angry! i miss my old me who would easily get excited, angry, impatient, frustrated, happy... i dont think you miss being angry though!
But the great thing is that you are still in control, n control and well aware of your feelings, you observe them come and go and you decide which can stay and which is no longer welcome!
it's great that you are growing upper! some dont grow up at all!
much love to you sweet Nazi

مسعود said...

...تا دامنه های ماه..........میخانه

تا خنده ی دلبرانه..........ساقی ها

بیرون زده از ردیف آوازم

در خلوت شب صف اقاقی ها



این دکمه ی اول است..........بازش کن

تا از تن تو چراغ بردارم

تا کسری حدس های خیسم را

از وسوسه های داغ بردارم



تا بر گیرد از آتش رگ هات

انگشت عرق نشسته ام.........سهمی

این جور که لابلای من گیجی

این دکمه ی دوم است......می فهمی...؟



این دکمه ی چندم است...؟.....من مستم

این دکمه ی چندم است...؟.....تو مستی

می خواهم باز چیز بنویسم

تو صفحه کلید زنده گی هستی

کیمیا تاج نیا
-----------------------
سلام نازی خانم
این شعر بسیار زیبا را حیفم آمد دوستان دیگر نخوانند