Lessons Inside My Head

Ghaleh Roodkhan, Gilan, Iran. Photo by my very good friend, Alef Shin, June 2008. Thanks so much for this gift.

I know I have been irratic in my appearances. The funny thing is that I really miss my nightly routine of thinking and writing a post, and then reading what my friends have to say. As I mentioned, I am getting my life in order and this means that I have to work hard to deliver some outstanding commitments and doing projects which I cannot put off any longer. I am well and kicking ( bademjoon-e bam afat nadareh!). I really miss replying to your kind comments which I will catch up with soon.

I want to share with you something I have been thinking about for a few weeks. About three weeks ago, something happened which made me very angry. I was livid with some things someone was doing. As I was getting angry, I found my mouth was dry, my hands were shaking, and my heart was beating very fast. My left hand's first two fingers were tingling. Those sensations felt vaguely familiar. All of a sudden I stopped in my tracks! I was thinking how it had been a very long time since I got so angry and this feeling was so strange all of a sudden! A few years ago, I lived a very stressful life, where I would get angry and have the same physical symptoms on a daily basis, sometimes going to bed feeling that way. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. All of a sudden, I calmed down and started smiling. I told myself "Marg-e man, are you crazy??!! Isn't it a shame to go back to where you have been before and which you deliberately left behind because it felt awful?" Feeling angry and desperate is something that feels really strange to me these days, because I live such a peaceful life, where I'm in control of my surroundings and my directions. I just love this feeling, where I seldom lose my cool or get upset like that. I promised myself to never let anger back into my mind and my body again, because now I know better. Then I went around laughing thinking how strange I must have looked to someone looking in--angry one moment and smiling the next! You know, I love the conversations I'm having with myself inside my head these days. I might be growing up afterall!