1/25/2008

Being Ba Vafa

Sima Bina and her all-women band perform "Majoon Naboodom" in Germany.

It's Friday. So, it wasn't the most productive of weeks for me, at least not physically. Though sick, I had a good week, filled with kindness and affection of friends and family. Your good vibes were received and much appreciated. My sons and Iden are getting ready to go celebrate their youth on a Friday night in San Francisco. Ho Hum...I'm not going to worry about their driving in the pouring rain or anything of that kind. At least they have agreed to stay at their friend, Ghazal's house for the night, so I won't worry about their getting home very late. On the upside, I have a beautiful roaring fire going and the house all to myself, so I can listen to my music in a little bit.
My work on the "relationships" piece is compiling nicely. Ha Ha, I have enough material to write a book on that subject! Have you ever noticed how much better we are at discussing other people's relationships than we are in discussing our own?! The truth is that I have been an utter failure myself when it comes to relationships with men. Up until two years ago, I was married all my life. None of this "dating" business feels familiar or comfortable to me, as a result. I get so easily confused about signals and intentions and wishes, something sooooo humiliating in a middle-aged woman who is expected to be a lot more experienced and mature. The men I find attractive usually don't appear terribly attractive to my friends (well, they think my taste in men sucks!). None of the men I like are terribly handsome, that's true, because looks are so overrated in my opinion. I like intelligent men, those who can think and talk and tell me things I have never heard before. So far we don't have a problem, right? WRONG! The men I like, yes, the "intelligent" ones, either like women a lot younger than me, or they claim that they are very messed up and cannot commit! With all due respect for the institution of marriage, I don't believe that in second and third "versions" of partnership in life, a legal marriage is the absolute form of commitment. The commitment I'm talking about is one in which two people who have their own lives and homes and families are in an adult companionship which is meaningful to both of them, never having to worry what the other one is up to, and who else might be in his or her life, committing to be monogomous. All my life I have thought jealousy to be such a waste of perfectly good emotion and energy; energy that can better be spent loving, trusting, laughing, dancing, and enjoying life. To spend time "wondering" is a destroyer of life and hope, in my opinion. Well, I am tempted to conclude that relationships are just too hard in my station in life. I have been thinking recently that I must just give it up, and when I get one more tap on the shoulder from another man at work or in social and cultural setups, whether he is Iranian, American, younger, older, handsome, or ordinary-looking, I should just tell him off and be left to my own devices. There, for some reason I just told you more about myself than I was willing to say for a long time!
For here and now, though, never mind all that. Let's think about relationships that are present in our lives here and now. Those good friends, those loving partners, those beautiful children, those lovely nieces and nephews, and those wonderful siblings and parents. They are here. They are real. They expect very little, don't usually send confusing signals, and they are committed to us, and most of them are with us for the duration of our lives. Let's take joy in them. Let's go and surprise them with a bear hug, one of those hugs where you won't let go for a long time, kiss their cheeks, hold their hands, look into their eyes, and tell them "asheghetam," "dooset daram," "I love you," "I am proud of you," or a simple "mokhlesim." How about that? Time and energy spent on loving and trusting is never wasted. It is an investment that will pay off tenfold. To be "ba vafa" is an immeasurable and invaluable asset. Be "bavafa" this weekend. Try it. I'm going to hug my kids and Iden before they take off. Have a good weekend and be good y'all.

9 comments:

! said...

نازی جونم سلام ..

عاشقان جان و دل خویش بدلدار دهید
هر چه دارید بدان یار وفادار دهید
قطراتی که از آن بحر در این ابر تن است
نو بهار است بدان بحر گهربار دهید

شاد باشید

يكي مثه همه said...

you are absolutely right my dear Nazy
I believe living with family and having them by your side is one of the most pleasurable feelings and reasons to feel happy in life.
someone you care and deeply love makes hope and motivation.
they double our joys and cut in half or even less, our sadnesses.

take care
Halat

گلابی said...

what a beautiful narration of feelings, womanhood, relationships,love and ... . well, I can relate to much of you said since my mum was a young widow. but as you said let's enjoy all the good we have.
BTW its been a long time since i first read ur blog it feels to me like walking in a green green garden full of butterflies n rainbows, so spirited and filled with positive vibe.

Daisy said...

Salam, that was a funny post specially the term "mokhlesim”. It's not a word that I've ever used before but it made me laugh.

I hope you and all single people out there- including myself- find a true intelligent partner who they can get old with. Never give up because life is very unpredictable. This is what I always tell myself. I also want to complain about the post you wrote on January 19. If I understood correctly, you're compiling a wish list for your friends. The problem is that the "relationships" piece you're writing for Valentine's Day only concerns the couples not single people. I hope the last wish on that wish list be about your single friends. I hope you get well soon.

P.S. the video clip was really nice. I sent it to my mom. I know she would love it.

آدم گلابی said...

I forgot to thank you for the clip! it was beautiful.

Nazy said...

Salam Bar Agha Farshad-e Gol:

Thank you very much for that wonderful piece of poetry about vafa. You are so kind, Farshad. Thank you very much.

Nazy said...

Salam Halat Jan:

How true what you say about families. They are our rocks, our constants in life. I wish a long, healthy life for you and yours my friend. Thank you also for forwarding all those fun things to me. I hope you have a brilliant day in Tehran.

Nazy said...

Golabi Jan:

I am honored you come to read me, and that you came and said something this time! You are mother to a newborn, how very exciting! How absolutely wonderful is a home that has a tiny baby breathing and living in it. You must be exhausted my friend! I remember when my kids were infants and I had to leave them to go to work everyday, I couldn't wait to hurry home and to look at them carefully. Every single day, even in the few hours that I hadn't seen them, it seemed, they had grown and changed and I couldn't wait to re-discover them. You are blessed and I am so delighted for you my young friend. Thank you for your kind complements and I look forward to seeing you in these parts again, hopefully saying something again, as you say it so beautifully and kindly. Take care and get some rest whenever you can, you will need it! Have a fabulous weekend.

Nazy said...

Salam Daisy Jan:

Ha Ha, I'm glad you saw the humor in my post! Well, you must live in my house to know how "mokhlesim" is used. Young men are not very good at expressing their love and affection for their mothers. Something feels awkward there. Kissing has all but disappeared from our routine, except for my older son who comes home sometimes and finding me at my computer, writing, he kisses me on the top of my head. Hugging is something I must make them do, and when in a moment of utter love for me they want to say something really nice and sweet, they say "mokhlesim!" That's where that one came from!

Tell me anything you want to tell me and I will put it my "relationships" piece (s), Daisy Jan. I am re-running my Khosrow and Shirin story in Iranian.com all this month. After that is finished, I will be writing a series on "relationships," ending with my story on Valentine's Day. As I mentioned in this post, not that I am an expert on relationships, but I have observations which I can share. I will write about how people meet each other and what they say to each other and what they mean. (I may even cover Khastegari at this point!) What love means to different people, and how they express it. I will write about sex, too, if I can figure out what to write! Hee Hee, that one will be something to remember! Anyhow, my series will end with "what not to do for Valentine's Day," and "what to do all year round" to show our love for each other. I would very much like your perspective on any of the items I mentioned.

I'm glad you thought the music selection would make your mother happy. My best to you and to all your family my sweet young friend.