The Woman In The Letters

Niosha Dance Company performs in their Mother's Day Celebration, May 12, 2008. Photo by Faranak Ravon, Iranian.com.
I saw a picture somewhere and I was sure I had seen it before in one of the "forwards" I routinely receive. I went to my hotmail account to search for it, and typed in a word I thought would bring up that email. I wasn't ready for the flood of memories which were displayed on the screen. For some reason, the search had resulted in a list of my old emails, dating as far back as 2001. They were mostly love letters, exchanged between me and a man I once loved. I guess they hadn't been detected during a "clean-up" project I had done a year ago.
I sat in my chair, transfixed, rolling up and down the list, page after page, looking at the subject lines of the notes, the only thing evident from the messages inside. I didn't want to look at those messages again, containing sentiments and feelings and thoughts a few years beyond their "best by" date. The mystery and the joy inside those notes had long disppeared, and now all the feelings expressed inside were represented by a simple "I love you," "I miss you," and "Thinking of you," and a whole lot of "no subject" notes, which had obviously been written and transmitted in haste, telling the other something which couldn't bear the extra seconds it would take to type a subject line.
My eyes welled up with tears, running down my face. Why was I crying? They weren't tears of regret or sadness, I thought. I didn't miss the man behind those notes, not anymore. Where were those tears coming from then? And then I understood the reason, all of a sudden. I was missing myself, the woman that I was in those letters, loved and in love. I longed for the simplicity of expressing love and desire for someone who had a real presence in my life, someone worth the trouble of writing to everyday. I missed the woman in the letters. I dried my eyes long enough to select those notes and click on "delete."


NeghNeghoo said...

That is called nostalga and is a very prescious part of life. It needs a lot of courage to delete them and may be sometimes that tears are good.
Beautiful piece anyway.

Mohammad said...

Dear Nazy,
I'm so delighted and grateful for being able to rejoice once again at the rich content of your posts.I'm so wildly happy to be back again reading the beautiful thoughts and feelings you kindly and generously share with us. I have a whole lot to catch up on this weblog. This makes me feel so rich. Thanks a million.

azita said...

Nazy Jan, you are a brave soul! It’s better to embrace the future, but I suppose we can't leave or move on before it's over.
One of these days when I have more time I have to read your blog from the beginning, page by page. Love the way you see things! So Beautiful! Thank you.

مسعود said...

سلام نازی خانم
من با خواندن این پست دوچیز برایم تداعی شد:اول،مطلبی که ا.ش. عزیز راجع به زمان در قالب دیروز و امروز و فردا نوشته (که چشمم از بس برای تمرکز روی آن عقب و جلو رفت،خسته شد) و دوم شعری که بانو نوشته:
هنوز یادم هست شبی،ستاره ای برای شادمانی ام درخشید
این شعر اگر فقط همین یک بیت را داشت،کار خودش را کرده است.
حالا ای بسا ستاره که برای شادمانیت بدرخشد.از آسمون که بدت نیومده!آسمونو رصد کن

بانوي جشنواره زمستان said...

من فكر مي كنم
اينكه آدم دلش براي خودش در دوره اي از زندگي اش تنگ بشه ، يه دريافت خيلي مخصوصه
كه مي شه راجع بهش خيلي فكر كرد و نبايد راحت گذر كرد....
زني در لابلاي نوشته هاي يك مرد
در ميان سطرهاي بي دريغ يك عشق
در ميان خاطره هاي دور سرزميني ديگر....
دوستت دارم نازي باشكوه من

Anonymous said...

شب شکوه ستوه
مرا به باد سپردی
به بادهای غریب
سپردن آسان است

هنوز خاطره ها می جوند دل ها را
چو زخم های گرسنه
کسی نمی داند
تو هم نمی دانی
که پشت پنجره ی شب کسی ست سرگردان

Nazy said...

Salam Neghneghoo Jan:

Thank you for the sincere and soulful comment. You read my heart. Thank you.

Nazy said...

Salam Mohammad Jan:

Boy, I have missed you around here! I'm glad you're back. This wasn't such an uplifting post to come back to! Sorry about that. Perhaps if you read my other scribblings, you might find something a bit happier.

It's great to have you back.

Nazy said...

Salam Azita Jan:

Thank you for your wise words. Yes, everyone must heal before they can move ahead. It took me a while to get over my divorce, well, a long while, but it did happen finally. It's time to move on. Delete was necessary for more reasons than one. I will be honored to see you spend time to read my ramblings on! You are entirely too kind to me. Have a good day my friend.

Nazy said...

سلام مسعود جان. در مورد هر دو گزیرش الف شین و بانو حق با شماست. بسیار گویا و مهربان و رهنما هستند.

ها ها! نه. از آسمون بدم نیامده هنوز! شاید روزی، ستاره ای بدرخشید و ماه مجلس شد! عشق زیباست و بهترین هدیه ای است که خداوند متعال می تواند بر بنده ای ارزانی کند. اما خوب، ای کاش می شد عمر آدم روی یک عشق ماندگار سرمایه گذاری شود. یک عشق که گذر سالهای جوانی و پیری آدم را ببیند و ارزشش دمادم افزوده شود. از صفر شروع کردن در میان سالی هم بیم های خودش را دارد. برای همین هم در کشمکشی درونی، همیشه تنها ماندن پیروز می شود. خوب، خیلی حرف زدم. مرسی از پیام سراسر مهر وفکرت ، مثل همیشه.

Nazy said...

سلام بر بانوی جشنوارهء زمستانی، ندای عزیزم.

از یادداشت مهربانت ممنونم عزیز دلم. همیشه بین واقعیت های زندگی و آرزوهای آدم یک کشمکش جانانه در جریان است. واقعیت ها ما را وادار به گذر و گذار می کنند اما آرزوها همانگونه که پای در حال و چشم به آینده دارند، در واقع نیم نگاهی هم به آن واقعیت ها که از آنها عبور کرده ایم هم دارند، چرا که در آن گذرها و گذارها، رنجی را تجربه کرده ایم که آرزوهای ما از آنها گریزانند. این کشمکش "مارگزیده" ها را می ترساند و از تغییر گریزان می کند. برای همین است که در پست آرزوهای سال نو میلادی نوشتم بهتر است صاعقه ای آدم را بزند تا اینکه سئوالی پیش روی ما مطرح شود که آن کشمکش ها ممکن است پاسخ آن سئوال را "نه" بکند. نمیدانم منظورم را خوب بیان کردم یا نه.

به هر حال، از هدیهء فکر و احساست ممنونم ندای عزیزم. شاد و سر بلند باش.

يكي مثه همه said...

My dear Nazy
I would love to wish you a perfect lasting Love and a life full of joy because I believe you really deserve it.
Kiss & Hug

Nazy said...

Parinaz Azizam:

Thank you for that beautiful poem. Gorgeous and poignant. And here's how I would describe my feelings in a she'r-gooneh:

The feet that walked away had leaden shoes on,

The heart that gave it all up was full of pain and sorrow,

The lips that expressed those words were full of unspoken words and shouts of silence,

In all that the decision to go was,

I, as I ever knew myself, was lost forever.

Have a good week Parinaz Jan.

Nazy said...

Salam Halalt Jan:

Good to see you here tonight! Thank you for your kind wishes my sweet friend! Hee Hee, I hope I don't sound too desparate!

Thank you for the gift of kindness and love my friend.

Mersedeh_CLICK HERE 2 WATCH VIDEO said...

Better than anything I could say:

Artist: Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared
Beneath the stars above
For a moment
All the world was right
How could I have known
You'd ever say goodbye?

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known
How the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know
I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss....The Dance

Esfand` said...

=) hhmmm..... I cant say anything right now .... hmmmm, this was intense!

Have a good monday! and a wonderful week !

Anonymous said...

I wish I could be as honest with myself as you are.

I had my emails erased for me. I didn't get the chance to erase them myself. I want them to be erased because those feelings are gone; that's not the issue. But, I always worry that maybe I'd written something there that was too important to erase. What if there was this earth-shattering truth I'd written that didn't deserve to be erased? What if there was a memory I shared that I no longer remember and now no longer ever will? I don't know if my questions make sense, but because those emails are no longer available to me, I feel a loss more at those words and feelings than at the person himself. Does that make sense?

Also, I'd like to thank Mersedeh for quoting one of my favorite songs. The Dance is one of those universal songs. It doesn't matter that it's country music, or that it's in english. Translate it into any other language, and it still has the power to move the listener!

Happy Monday, Nazy Joonam :)

Nazy said...

Salam Mersedeh Jan,

Thank you. It's a beautiful song with very beautiful lyrics. Very thoughtful.

Nazy said...

Heeh, Esfand Jan,

Actually, I don't know what to say now, either! Moving right along, here's wishing you a great week, too! Be good.

Nazy said...

Anonymous Jan:

You both crack me up and break my heart! Yes, there may have been some earth-shattering truths in the emails we erased, but those truths, like the man and the woman on each side of the letters, are now forever in the past. We must attend the business of here and now and the truths and confessions of today. There is no going back. Not for me, anyway. Vahshi-e-Bafghi, the Iranian poet has a poem I adore. I hope you can read Farsi. I leave it for you here. If you can't read Farsi, let me know and I'll think of something. Have a brilliant day.

ما چون ز دری پای کشیدیم ،کشیدیم
امید ز هر کس که بریدیم ، بریدیم
دل نیست کبوتر که چو برخاست نشیند
از گوشه ی بامی که پریدیم ، پریدیم
رم دادن صیدِ خود از آغاز غلط بود
حالا که رماندی و رمیدیم ، رمیدیم
صد باغ بهارست و صلای گل و گلشن
گر میوه ی یک باغ نچیدیم ، نچیدیم
وحشی ! سبب دوری و این قسم سخن ها
آن نیست که ما هم نشنیدیم ، شنیدیم

(وحشی بافقی)

Anonymous said...

Nazy aziz in sher az vahshiye-bafghi ham besiyar ziba bood.

In poste ham jaleb bood. manon ke sharesh kardi ba ma khaterateto.

Nazy aziz baraye man ama faramosh kardan gahi momken nist! Midonam ke dar ravabetet farde amighi hasti va midonam ke nagahet hatta dar hokmi ke midi (ratan oo faramosh karan) motevajehe janbehaye ensaniye hast. Ama man intori fekr mikonam ba ye hesse khob messle eshgh mishe salha zist oo asheghi kard bi anke mashoghi vojod dashte bashe ya na. Man ba ashegh bodanam be khodam ehteram migozaram va manaee ke dar nazare man esalati bessiyar dare. Mishe eshgh ro dar bastare kolli-tari did oo bedor az talloghat ba on zist oo lezat bord. Mishe hamishe ashegh bood nazye aziz. Messle to ke hamishe ba negahe zibat, zibaee oo eshgh ro be hame hediye midi. Man ham be eshghi fekr mikonam ke assiri nemiyare va ba bedor az talogh oo tanparasti sarasr rahist oo zibaee

Ama ghabol daram ke man beshakhse haraz gahi bessiyar zaif misham ya...

Sincerely yours;

Mojgan said...

Nazy jan salam
Reading your blogs is such a treat. You take me once again to the depth of the emotions I have also felt at some point in my life but did not know how to decypher.
I hope our shining stars are out there somewhere in the sky because at this point, I am almost ready to give up looking!!!
Anyway, not only your blogs are wonderful, your comment section has proven to be a gem too. I loved the poems from your friends, the music video from Mersedeh was absolutely beautiful and also Vahshi's poem used to be one of my favorites and I had not even thought of it in years...
I cherished every word I read.

Nazy said...

سوشیانس عزیز، سلام. چه قشنگ گفتی! البته که عشق زیباست. غمش هم زیباست. خاطراتش هم زیباست. شما حرف های من را خیلی هم به دل نگیرید، چرا که من از شما بسیار بزرگترم! من وقتی در سنین شما بودم آبونمان همیشگی عشق بودم و مشتری اول آن من بودم! اما در بعد عملیاتی زندگی، بعضی وقتها بهتر است که بگذاریم و بگذریم. این دلیل نمی شود که عشق را حاشا کنیم و عظمتش را دست کم بگیریم. اوقاتی که من در سیر عشق گذرانده ام، یک سر زیبا و شیرین بوده اند و فراموش کردنی نیستند.

امیدوارم خداوند تو را همیشه از عشق بهره مند و سیراب کند. هیچ چیزی بهتر از همنشینی با یک آدم عاشق نیست. چیزی، احساسی، موجی از یک عاشق بر می خیزد که تمام همنشینانش را هم دگرگون می کند. شاد و سربلند باش مهدی عزیزم.

Nazy said...

Dear Beautiful and Sensitive Mojgan:

Oooh, thank you for coming and thank you for the kind compliments. Heeh, it was fun talking to you today! It has been quite a day, if you ask me!

I think you and I have a lot of thoughts and ideas in common, that's why what you say is immediately understandable for me and vice versa. Yes, just imagine! There might be two stars in the sky, as Masoud said, waiting to hit the two of us over the head! Though that might be very far from reality, the idea is soooo appealing and heart-warming!

Have a good Thursday! Just two more days to weekend!